TRADITIONS, CUSTOMS, RITUALS

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There are many rich and varied traditions that can be included in a wedding to bring meaning to this sacred ritual. Whether your tradition is one based on ethnic origin, religious affiliation, or worldview, there are hundreds of wonderful ways to symbolize the coming together of two lives. Some of the traditions outlined below are based on ancient rituals and some are newly imagined and can symbolize many things to many couples.

One of my special contributions to personalized wedding is the discovering of the “centering metaphor” of the relationship and the subsequent creation of a special ritual that will symbolize that image. These visual symbolic acts are, by their very nature, extremely personal and thus not always translatable for other couples. However, a lot of “tweaking” to more common traditions can achieve a similar effect. For instance, in the time-honored tradition of the sharing of the wine, one couple opted to have me tell about their courtship along the bicycle paths of Chicago’s lakeshore and they then popped the cork on a bottle of “Red Bicyclette” wine to commemorate the happy outcome of the courtship!

Feel free to make any of these your own by adding or changing elements so that it speaks more directly to your experience, ethnicity or philosophy. If you choose to work with me, I am happy to help you personalize a traditional ceremony element, or create a brand new one based on your own “centering metaphor”!

ARCHEOLOGY of LOVE (The SAND CEREMONY)

Using a large, glass vase or bowl and smaller vials of colored sand, a many-layered decorative piece can be created during the ceremony that will give many years of memories. This is especially nice for ceremonies with children or relatives who’d like to participate but are shy of speaking in public!

Sand ceremony – Part 1 – The Family is assembled

The ritual of the sand symbolizes the coming together of two into one; two hearts, two lives, two families! Today we celebrate the importance of family in the unfolding of all life by creating a family archeology... Will the (grand)mothers please come forward to lay the first layer of sand…mothers, fathers, siblings, etc. (Use as many family members as you like for this.)

Sand ceremony – Part 2 – The Couple add their sand

Life is beautiful. Time is brief. As the sands of time remind us of how precious each passing day is and how important it is to fill those days with love, we invite you to pour the sands of time into the glass as a reminder of your lives that are now intertwined in the great history of love and family. Before, you were separate beings with separate lives. Now the miracle of love brings two separate lives together creating a new and beautiful life. Will the bride and groom each pour their sand, representing their individual lives….

Sand ceremony – Part 3 – The layers are sealed with love

Although the color of your own soul shines on, radiant and pure, today we celebrate the mystery of the third color which is your lives conjoined by love. Let these grains of sand now joined together, never be spilled asunder. (bride and groom pour the rest of their sand in together creating a new color. Minister may add a final layer on top with a blessing.)

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BLESSING OF THE HANDS

This is a contemporary ritual that is deeply moving and guaranteed to make the meaning of the moment clear to both participants.

____ & ___, please face each other and hold hands, so you may feel the gift that you are to one another.

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day as you promise to love each other all the days of your lives.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours, that will give you support and encouragement, as together you build your future and share your innermost hopes and dreams.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness and that even when wrinkled with time will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children and help you hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, console you when you are grieving and hold you tight, offering you strength and courage in the face of adversity.

Today, in this garden, under this tent, may these hands be blessed. May these hands always be held by one another. May they have the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. May they be tender and gentle as they nurture each other in their wondrous love. May these hands continue to build a relationship founded in grace, rich in caring, and devoted to the nurturing of each other’s soul.

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BREAKING OF THE GLASS

This is without a doubt the most famous of all Jewish wedding traditions and without it, many Jews will not feel properly married. It has taken on many meanings over the years, but its original, religious purpose was to remind the young couple of the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem back in the first century CE, and hence of the vulnerability of all traditions and life itself. Within this recognition of fragility married love becomes even more precious. In contemporary ceremonies I rarely go back to this ancient meaning, but ask the couple to suggest what it might mean to them. The most frequent response is that breaking the glass is a symbol of the end of one way of life and the beginning of a new way. When we use the glass that the couple has previously used in the Sharing of the Wine ritual, it can have added meaning. One delightfully irreverent couple had me announce, at the moment that the groom smashed the glass, “and let it be known that this is the last time that Mr. ____ will be able to put his foot down on any issue alone!”

Rev. Rebecca takes the glass that was used in the Wine ceremony and holds it aloft and says,

May this glass from which you have drunk together be for you and for you alone. Respecting the fragility of life and promising your mutual fidelity and trust, I invite you to enter now the kingdom of marriage!

Minister hands glass to bride who wraps it in napkin and hands it to groom. He raises his foot and stomps the glass underfoot. Everyone calls out, Mazeltov! The bride and groom kiss and make their exit while music plays.

Recessional: Immediately after the ceremony, the couple enters a private space for “yichud” – a few moments of togetherness. There they celebrate their new status as a married couple so that when they reenter the party they can devote their time to their guests having first attended to each other!

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COIN CEREMONY

This ritual has many variants from different countries. Sometimes it is the parents offering coins to the new couple, or the couple offering them to each other. Another variation has the coins being passed through the guests to receive their blessing. The coins can be blessed by the minister prior to being used in the ceremony.

Officiant: The coins symbolize a pledge to care for one another. The groom gives 13 coins to the bride, symbolizing his ability to support and care for her. It is a complete and unrestricted offering of his dedication for her welfare and their welfare as husband and wife. In return, the bride gives the coins back to the groom, symbolizing her partnership in supporting and caring for him, as well. (As reader is reading, coin bearer, stands up and walks to the center aisle with coins. Groom walks over to meet him/her and takes the coins. Groom then walks and gives coins to Bride, dropping them slowly in her hands.)

Officiant: Groom, please repeat after me:

“Bride, I offer these coins as a pledge of my dedication to you, the care of our home and the welfare of our family.” (Bride pauses momentarily, and then places her hands on Groom's, letting the coins fall into his hands.)

Officiant: Bride, please repeat after me:

“Groom, I offer these coins as a pledge of my dedication to you, the care of our home and the welfare of our family.”

(Groom then returns them to the Bride, who hands them to the Maid of Honor. Then Bride and Groom face the Officiant.)

Officiant: Lord, bless Bride and Groom with sufficient material possessions and abundant spiritual strength, which these coins symbolize. May they use your gifts wisely for their family’s welfare in their married life. Amen

A variation that I created for a couple getting married by Buckingham Fountain, was to tape a small coin on each of the wedding programs. At the end of the ceremony, I invited all the guests to make a wish for the new couple, take their coin from the program and go forward to throw their penny into the fountain. Everyone agreed this was great fun!

THE FIRST GIFT

This is an old tradition with echoes of the northern European folk custom of “the first foot” – that the first person coming through your door after the New Year must share gifts to ensure prosperity for the rest of the year. The nature of the gifts indicated the kind of year that one could look forward to. Building on this idea, couples may choose to gift each other during the ceremony, to ensure that the first gift received at this liminal (threshold) moment has potent symbolism.

In one ceremony, the groom serenaded his bride with a surprise rendition of “It’s You” accompanied by a guitarist who materialized from among the guests! Another first gift that brought much merriment was the television remote, carefully wrapped, with a promise to let the new spouse choose favorite programs for the first year.

THE FOUR SEASONS OF LOVE

For couples who want to honor special friends or family members, this is a great element to add to a ceremony. To represent each of the “four seasons” of life and love, four couples or individuals are asked to participate in this ritual. To add a visual component, each of the four couples is asked to bring some object that symbolizes to them their love and marriage. Or, the bride and groom select on object for this purpose. This token is placed on the table before or after they do their reading.

Springtime & New Love – a reading or sharing by the guest

Summertime & Fruitful Love – a reading or sharing by the guest

Autumn & Mature Love – a reading or sharing by the guest

Winter & Wise Love - a reading or sharing by the guest

GUESTS BLESSING OF THE RINGS

I started using this ritual just in the last few years and, in the right circumstances, it is a beautiful addition to a ceremony as it makes the guests deeply involved in the proceedings in an easy way that seems to spread blessings all around. I have had many guests tell me how meaningful it was to be asked to contribute in this personal way, and one bride told me it was her favorite part of the whole wedding!

In this ritual, the wedding rings are placed in a small bag or bags (mesh or silk are good as the rings can easily be felt under the fabric). The minister explains that the bag(s) will be brought to the back row by the Best Man (or whomever is designated) and are to be passed through the rows of guests where they will receive their silent blessings. Thus, the ceremony continues while the ring bag makes its way up and down the rows until it (or they) comes to the front row, where they can be held by the mothers or other significant person until the Best Man retrieves them for the ring exchange.

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GUESTS VOWS of LOVE & SUPPORT

Dear Guests. The loved ones here today have shared both agreement and disagreement, have shared tears and laughter. Through that sharing, (bride) and (groom) have become more as individuals and as a pair joined in the journey of life. You are not just spectators today. You are all a part of their past, and by your presence here, you promise to care with and uphold them as they move into the future. To show your support I ask you to rise now and make your pledge:

Do you promise to love _____ and _____ as a couple with the same devotion as you have loved them as individuals? Pledging your support and affection as they begin their new life together? If so, say "We Do!" --- ALL: "We Do! "

Please be seated.

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HANDFASTING

Originally, a form of non-church-sanctioned marriage (in Scotland during the times of rebellion when clergy were sometimes hard to come by!) the tradition of Handfasting has come into its own as a beautifully symbolic way of two people coming together to bind their lives and hearts.

The cloth was traditionally two strands of tartan, representing the two clans of the families. It can be any type of cloth that holds some value to the bride and groom. In one wedding I did between a Scottish groom and a Japanese bride, the bride used a piece of her grandmother’s wedding obi (the sash worn around the gown) to fit next to the green tartan of her spouse. In another wedding, the couple’s mothers had embroidered the names and wedding date of the couple on opposite sides of a cloth in the wedding colors. Another couple used the Spanish lace mantilla from the bride’s grandmother’s wedding. Almost anything that can be flexible enough to be wrapped around the couple’s hands is suitable.

Here are some words that I wrote for the actual moment of handfasting:

May your love find lasting permanence, bound together in the fabric of life.
May the protection of marriage surround you, sustain you and comfort you.
In the binding of the this cloth, may you remember the binding of your words:
The vows of fidelity and trust that you make today.
Though the cloth has two sides, it is of one piece.
So now there are two lives, but bound together in one heart, one home.
May these lives bound together, never be torn asunder. (r.d. Armstrong 2000)

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HONORING THE DEPARTED

Sadly, it is not infrequent that a couple may have lost a beloved family member or close friend in the year before a wedding. Especially in the case of a close family member it is obvious that many of the guests will be thinking of this dearly departed one at the wedding, so it’s better to embrace the reality than to try and ignore it. I usually recommend a brief moment at the start of the ceremony to remember the departed friend.

Minister says:

When two people come together to form a new ring around the tree of life, it is right and good to give thanks to those who gave us life – those present and those dearly departed, whose blessings they seek and whose gifts they acknowledge - whose love ignited the spark of life within us. Today we honor _____ departed grandparents, ______ and ______. Also, we recognize ______ stepmother, _______, whose love and support will be cherished forever.

Everyone here today is part of a circle of faith in love. By your presence we make this space a sacred space and this time a time out of ordinary time. So, be here now, fully present, with open heart and mind; ready to bless and be blessed by the love which has called us together.

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LOVE IS A GARDEN

Rev. Rebecca introduces the image of the garden, where every flower might be a different color and shape, but all add to the glorious beauty of the garden – then compares that to the human family where each person is completely different and therefore beautiful and necessary for the whole. She then asks for the first person to add their flower to the vase. Each guest present (alternatively, selected family members, or, members of the wedding party) says a few words and adds a flower to the vase. When everyone has added their flower, Rebecca holds up the last flower and asks everyone to take hands and offer a silent blessing while she offers a spoken blessing for the new spirit of love coming into existence because of this marriage. The flower is then added to the bouquet.

THE “LOVING CUP” or QUAICHE

The quaich (from the Celtic word cuach, meaning cup) is a shallow, carved bowl or cup used to share a drink of honey-mead or wine or water between two lovers or friends. The cup has two handles and the two individuals stand facing each other and take turns drinking while both hold one of the handles. It is part of the ancient tradition of hospitality from the Celtic honor system – whoever had shared a cup could not do injury to the other, hence the “loving cup” appellation. A Scottish king once gifted a Scandinavian Queen with such a cup in honor of her engagement, and it became fashionable for lovers to announce or celebrate their nuptials with a drink from the loving cup. One folk custom that has taken hold is that the Groom kisses the bottom of the quaich after they’ve drained the contents! The quaich can also be used at the Christening of a child born to the couple – the water is scooped from the same cup that graced the parents’ wedding!

Words for Sharing of the Quaich (adapted from Scottish blessings and toasts)

Strike hands with me,
the glasses brim,
the dew is on the heather,
for love is good and life is long,
and two are best together.

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MARRIAGE OF MUSICAL SOULS

Bride and Groom sit, facing each other. Behind each of them stands (sits) a musician. The Bride and Groom take turns speaking the words from Kahlil Gibran on the meaning of marriage and the musicians offer a “musical echo” to the words. These musical phrases (approximately 30 seconds long) appear to be separate melodies; the finale reveals that they are actually fit together in beautiful counterpoint – a marvelous musical metaphor for marriage! [A Bach cantata was perfect for this – using the first violinist and the cello - but other composers will work as well.]

GROOM: Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

BRIDE: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

VIOLIN: (plays part A of soprano melody)

BRIDE: Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

GROOM: Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

CELLO: (plays part A of tenor melody)

GROOM: Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

BRIDE: Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

VIOLIN: (plays part B of soprano melody)

BRIDE:. Stand together, yet not too near together:

GROOM: For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

CELLO: (plays part B of tenor melody)

GROOM: Let there be spaces in your togetherness,

BRIDE: And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

TOGETHER: Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

TWO INSTRUMENTS PLAY TOGETHER THE FULL SECTION (play parts A and B)

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RED THREAD RITUAL

Sometimes, when lovers meet for the first time, there is a shared sense of destiny; a sense that one is remembering, rather than meeting this new person. This is the sense that is called “soulmates” in the West. In the East it is the tradition of The Red Thread. The sages say:

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break." Some versions of the tradition insist that only when the individual has made “the right choices” in life that the heart turns and thus winds the thread so that the meeting with the beloved takes place. Making this image visual can add a delightful dimension to this ritual!

Minister says: Some people never see the red thread, or feel the pounding of their heart as they glance into the eyes of destiny. For them, perhaps it is fine to have never known. But for those who have wound the thread around and around until it led them to the one partner for whom they have searched a lifetime, this is a moment of greatest joy and expectation.

Minister winds one end of a red ribbon around the hand of each partner, as they stand apart from each other. They slowly walk towards each other winding the thread around their hand until they are brought face-to-face. As they walk, they may take turns naming the “right choices” they made that brought them to their meeting with their mate. Alternatively, the minister can be the spokesperson for them and tell the story of their meeting with the highlights of their earlier lives. This can be serious or alternate the humorous with the sublime; “Then he took that horrible job in Toledo which he hated, but that’s when he met Joe who introduced him to woman who would be his wife!”

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SACRED SPACE

As the couple before us joins together in front of you, their beloved friends and family, they would like to create a sacred space - one that connects the land of their early lives to the land where they begin the rest of their lives together.

I would like to invite the mothers to step forward...

(to guests): ______’s mother carries with her the land of her childhood home in _______, Illinois. _____’s mother carries with her the land of his childhood home all the way from ______, Nebraska. I invite the mothers to sprinkle their soil on this patch of land and close the circle of your children’s journeys that led them to this day.

(sprinkle, sprinkle)

_____ and _____ have brought with them jars of earth from the respective college towns of our happy couple. I invite you both to add your soil to this land here.

(sprinkle, sprinkle)

_______, the friend who brought them together, has brought earth from the beach where they shared spring break and where ____ popped the question!

[Any number of soil samples from special places in the history of the couple can be added!]

Now, ______ and _____, please come forth and occupy this special space your families and friends have created for you. From this place you will join the past of your lives to the present of your commitment to each other here, and very soon to your future voyage together on this Earth.

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THE SEVEN-STEPS

In India, one of the ancient elements of the marriage rite was the circling of the bride and groom together around the sacred fire. In fact, this custom is also known in the Middle East and may go back millennia to times when the Indo-Aryan culture was still centered in the Caucasians. The seven-times circling has mystical properties and is certainly a powerful yet simple way to symbolize the new covenant – the “coming together” – of the new couple.

This is a simple recitation that I wrote based on the seven chakras – each step reflecting the guardian principle of that chakra - making it applicable especially for Hindu or Buddhist-based ceremonies. The couple stands seven paces apart, facing each other, and as I read they take one step towards the other until they are face to face and can take hands in preparation for saying their vows.

Take the first step and walk a lifetime together -
Protecting, defending, belonging to one another;

Take the second step and walk a lifetime together -
Keeping your bodies sacred one to another;

Take the third step and walk a lifetime together -
Respecting each other as centers of will and power;

Take the fourth step and walk a lifetime together -
Let the yearnings of your heart be your guide;

Take the fifth step and walk a lifetime together -
Praising the creations that each of you bring to the world;

Take the sixth step and walk a lifetime together -
Mind meeting Mind in a vision of Love's wisdom;

Take the seventh step and walk a lifetime together -
Soul touching Soul in a celebration of Love's pure joy!

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SHARING OF THE WINE

Another traditional ritual with versions from Judaism as well as from medieval Christianity. In the Christian version the sharing of wine echoes the celebration of the mass and the sharing of wine between Christ and his disciples. The Jewish version celebrates the bounty of the earth and praises the Maker for providing the fruit of the vine.

The couple pours wine from the two carafes into a single cup and share the wine as minister speaks – alternatively, the wine and cup can be brought up by parents or friends or members of the wedding party.

Minister: ___ and ___, into this cup has been poured both sweet and bitter wine. The sweet is said to be the joy of life, the bitter is said to be the sorrow of life. As these two wines have been mixed in this cup, so will joy and sorrow be mixed in your life. As you drink from this cup, remember that as you share your lives you will also share the joys and sorrows that come to one or to both of you, each in their turn. As together you partake of this cup of wine, remember that your union in meant to strengthen you in the sorrowful times, that from one another you may draw contentment, comfort and joy from the cup of life. Thereby may you find life's joy doubly gladdened, its bitterness sweetened and all things allowed by true companionship and love.

Rosh Hodesh Blessing (from the Jewish tradition)

Give us long life,
A life of peace,
A life of goodness,
A life of blessing,
A life of nourishment and sustenance.

May it be a life of bodily health,
A life in which is found
Awe and wonder for the sacred,
A life of happiness and honor,
A life of integrity and discernment,
Intelligence and knowledge,

A life in which our heart's longings
Are met with gladness.

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TREASURES FOR THE JOURNEY

Many marriages are taking place between partners who have children from previous marriages. To honor the aspect of a new marriage that includes a blended family, I came up with this highly visual, fun and meaningful ritual to add to the ceremony.

Each member of the new family selects an object – something from the home – that represents what they are most looking forward to in being part of this new family. For instance, a deck of cards which represents the fun of families playing together; a map which represents the adventures of family vacations; a silver platter representing the many festive holiday dinners that will bond the new family… you get the idea!

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THE TWELVE VIRTUES

Twelve small tokens – flowers, stones, coins, ornaments, etc - each representing some virtue that the couple wants to add to their marriage, are gathered together and then distributed to selected family and friends prior to the start of the ceremony. As each friend/family member brings up the token Rev. Rebecca names one of the virtues, one for each token: honor, generosity, patience, courage, prosperity, diligence, etc.

Alternatively, each person may read a short passage which names the virtue they are contributing to the couple. Even more special, the bride and groom may prepare a short statement for each of the twelve virtues and then explain why they have selected each of the twelve relatives or friends to stand for that virtue. Or – if this feels like too much work – Rev. Rebecca would be happy to suggest twelve virtues that have been held in high regard in any of the great traditions: Classical Greece; Troubadours & Rules of Courtly Love; The Way of the Tao; the Buddha’s teachings, etc.

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UNITY CANDLE

Many traditional Catholics will include this ritual in their wedding ceremony, but its symbolism is so wide that many other meanings can be attached to it. For an evening wedding where the light of the candle is a focal point, the effect can be very dramatic.

(The couple takes the two tapers and as minister speaks, they light the unity candle together and replace the tapers in their holders. Alternately, the mothers can come forward and light tapers, from which their offspring light their own tapers and then proceed to light Unity Candle)

Minister: Even as the flame of your individual lives continues to burn brightly, we celebrate the mystery of the third thing - that invisible presence which is your love made manifest in each other's lives and in the world. This third flame is fed by your love and will, in turn, feed you with greater brightness and warmth than you can even imagine now, at the tender beginnings of your life journey together. In lighting this third candle, we bear witness to the awesome power of love's groundedness in the substance of earthly life. As this flame draws its nurturance from the candle beneath, so does our human love thrive in the substance of our daily giving and forgiving; the seasons of our planting and of our harvest; the rootedness of our beginnings and the blossoming of our aspirations. May this flame grow ever brighter as the wisdom of your love adds substance to its glow.

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CEREMONIES CHICAGO